Make the Yuletide Gay: Showing Up for Queer and Trans People During the Holidays and Beyond
Introduction
A couple of years ago, I wrote a blog on “When the Holidays Aren’t So ‘Merry and Bright’,” reflecting on some of the unique challenges faced by those of us in the queer and trans community during the holidays. These challenges continue to ring true today, but for today’s blog, I want to invite us into conversation about what it means to show up – how we can “make the yuletide gay” and show support for queer and trans friends, family, coworkers, and loved ones during the holidays – and beyond. Here are my core tips on how we can be active allies within holiday contexts such as family gatherings and work events!
Avoiding Harmful Questions and Comments
The holidays are a time when we see people and get to have conversations with them, often for the first time in a while! This is naturally a time when we ask each other for life updates, or comment on recent changes that they may have made. However, this can lead to complex and invasive questions for queer and trans folks. Here’s a few things to keep in mind.
Making Assumptions About Family, Relationships, and Holidays
We often make assumptions about people’s family, relationships, and interest in the holidays, usually without even realizing. This is typically communicated in the questions that we ask, such as:
“You got kids?” – This is an incredibly invasive question, especially given that many people can experience infertility or challenges with adopting. It also assumes that most people have kids, while many people are perfectly happy to not have kids. Also, someone’s reproductive and family choices are no one else’s business.
“Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?” – The gender is often directed towards the so-called “opposite” gender of the person in question (i.e. if you are talking to a man, you’d be more likely to ask if he has a girlfriend). This not only assumes that someone is in a relationship, but also enforces heteronormativity.
“Do you have plans with your partner?” – This is a more gender neutral version than boy/girlfriend, but it still assumes that someone has a single, romantic partner, which is not always the case, such as for asexual, aromantic, and polyamorous people.
“What do you and your family do for the holidays?” – This assumes that someone has a family and that the family celebrates the holidays together, which is not always the case. Sometimes people have holiday plans on their own. Sometimes family dynamics are complicated.
“Are you excited about the holidays?” – Many people are not excited for the holidays for any number of reasons, which can be complicated to explain (and they may not want to and shouldn’t have to!), so it’s important not to assume that the holidays are merry and bright for everyone.
“Any Christmas plans?” – Specifically using “Christmas” means that this type of question assumes that everyone celebrates Christmas, which is not the case! People may celebrate one or many other holidays, or no holidays at all, which is completely valid.
Each of these examples of questions show how we often enforce certain assumptions and norms with our questions, often without even realizing it. The more we can avoid these types of questions and assumptions, the more we can have open and more meaningful conversations with our loved ones.
Instead, try questions like: “Who are the special people in your life?” and “Do you have plans over the break?”
Commenting About Body and/or Transition Changes
There is often an instinct to comment on somebody’s body, particularly if we notice that their body has changed since we last saw them. This is particularly prominent with weight (either weight loss or weight gain), but could also be relating to potentially physical and medical changes someone has made in terms of transition. For example:
“Are you sure you should be eating that much? You look like you gained some weight.” – Let’s not comment on weight gain, and definitely not on what someone is eating. That is fatphobia.
“Wow, you’re so skinny now! What’s your secret?” – While there may be an instinct to compliment someone for losing weight, remember that losing weight is actually not always healthy; this can be due to an illness, an eating disorder, or a multitude of other reasons. Again, just don’t comment on weight changes.
“Your voice still sounds super deep, hasn’t estrogen fixed that yet?” – Questions or invalidations about someone’s medical transition are deeply invasive and problematic, and are often rooted in misunderstandings about what types of changes we can expect from medical transition.
“It’s weird seeing you without boobs since your top surgery.” – This really shouldn’t need to be said, but DON’T comment on someone’s genitals (existence or lack thereof). If they want to share things about their surgery or transition with you, they will!
“Ever since you’ve started transitioning, I can barely even tell that you’re trans, you totally pass.” – So the concept of ‘passing’ is rooted in the gender binary and is really problematic. While it may seem this type of a comment is a compliment, it can actually be quite problematic.
The bottom line is that we shouldn’t be commenting about someone else’s body. There’s an old saying that “If they can’t fix it in 10 seconds, don’t mention it”. So if their zipper is down, or they have spinach in their teeth, that’s a great thing to mention! But anything else is invasive, harmful, and can be very triggering due to the complex relationships we can have with our bodies.
Instead, try: “I really love your new style/vibe!” or “You’re looking really confident and comfortable in your body, I’m so happy for you.”
Asking For Their Thoughts on Politics, Anti-Queer/Trans Legislation, or Hateful Celebrities
The world is pretty crappy right now for queer and trans folks. We see politicians weaponizing harmful sentiments about the queer and trans community to gain momentum, the passing of anti-queer and anti-trans legislation, and celebrities spreading misinformation. We see it every day. We don’t need to always talk about it, because as queer and trans people we often feel the pressure to constantly be “up to date” on the news, so that we can respond to anyone’s questions at any time. Don’t put that on us. We are just trying to enjoy the holidays, just like you, without getting into a debate or discussion about our humanity.
“Did you see that Alberta introduced legislation to ban gender affirming care for kids?” – Yes, we did, and given how personal gender affirming care can be and the fact that many of us have experienced barriers in access, we don’t want to talk about it at a holiday celebration.
“What are your thoughts on the Olympics possibly banning trans women from competing?” – There are plenty of trans athletes and activists who have addressed why this is problematic. Go hear from them.
“Did you see JK Rowling’s latest anti-trans tweet?” – I really don’t want to, because I used to trust and love her. Please don’t bring her up.
We often always have to be educators, and we shouldn’t have to be. You can educate yourself, stay up to date on the news, and learn how to refute misinformation so that you can answer those questions and be an active ally.
Instead, try: “Do you have anything you’re feeling excited about for 2026?” or “Have there been any new projects or programs or things you’ve been doing lately?”
Intentionally Using Inclusive Language
As I have addressed in a previous blog and in my book, A Pocket Guide to Pronouns, the language that we use – particularly involving pronouns, names, and terms – is a critical way that we show respect and affirmation for people. Here are a few things to keep in mind on how we can intentionally use inclusive and affirming language to honour each person.
Name and Pronouns
As trans people, we are most likely to get misgendered in family or professional settings, as these can be less controlled than perhaps our friend groups. Particularly in our families, we are more likely to ignore or tolerate the misgendering in order to maintain the family relationships, or because we don’t feel comfortable or safe to correct. That is why it is absolutely critical to use the correct name and pronouns for our loved ones, even if we are the only ones doing it. Here are a couple things to keep in mind:
First, double check with your loved one that it is okay to use the correct name and pronouns (in case they aren’t “out” to a specific person). Similarly, check in if they would like you to correct others who make a mistake.
Practice ahead of time to minimize mistakes!
Correct ourselves if we make a mistake and don’t make a big deal out of it!
Correct others who make a mistake (if the trans person is okay with that). That could be a quick correction, it could be intentionally and forcefully using the trans person’s correct pronouns, it could be pulling the person aside and reminding them – different methods work for different people.
Remember that misgendering is a deeply harmful, invalidating practice.
Using Non-Gendered and/or Gender Affirmative Language
There are many other ways that we use gendered language outside of pronouns, often without realizing it. Simple things like “yes ma’am!”, or “hey guys!” has gendered connotations, and many compliments and family terms are similarly gendered. There’s lots of alternatives that we can use that are non-gendered and gender affirmative! I’ve put my favourites below and linked further suggestions for exploration.
Greetings: try “folks”, “lovelies”, “friends”, or “earthlings”.
Compliments: try “I love your new hair style/colour!”, “You look fabulous today!”, or “You’re so smart!”
Family Terms: try parent (mom/dad), sprog (daughter/son), pibling (aunt/uncle), sibkid (niece/nephew), and sibling (sister/brother).
Note: we always want to check in with the person to ensure we are using language that is affirmative to them. For instance, a trans woman may love to be called “beautiful”, while a non-binary person may love “sibkid”, so we should absolutely use each of those respectively.
Supporting Kids
There’s a few ways that we can show support to kids, and by extension, the adults in the room! I talk a bit more about this on this blog, but here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t suggest that clothes, toys, or activities have a gender (i.e. “pink is for girls”, “Lego is for boys”, “boys are better hockey players”). This reinforces the gender binary, cisnormativity, and sexism. Instead, encourage kids to wear what clothing makes them feel happy, play with a wide range of toys, and engage in different types of activities!
If you are looking for presents to buy for young folks, consider toys, books, and media that is specifically queer and trans affirming. I’ve compiled a few suggestions to get you started!
Recommended Books by Sydney Brouillard-Coyle (there are sections for both kids books, and fantasy/sci-fi novels, in addition to many non-fiction books)
Intentionally using inclusive and non-gendered language, as discussed earlier in the section! For example: not asking kids if they have a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, but asking “who are your friends?”. And if they want to go by a different name or pronouns, respect and affirm that!
Offering Direct Support
The other critical way we can show support to queer and trans folks is to offer direct support. This can look different for each person depending on our wants, needs, and family/friend/work context. It often starts with a simple conversation of “how can I best support you?”, rather than making assumptions about what the person needs. Always ensure that we are respecting and honouring their needs, and their consent.
Recognize The Challenges of the Holidays
The first step to showing support for queer and trans loved ones is recognizing that the holidays can mean different things to different people, and can have complicated feelings. Some of us love the holidays, some of us hate the holidays, some have a mixture of love/hate, some experience entirely different feelings. Recognizing these challenges, and not assuming that everyone is ‘merry and bright’ is the first step.
Queer and trans folks may be experiencing feelings of grief, which could be linked to recent death, betrayal/rejection from loved ones, and minority stress.
Family can be challenging, particularly when religion and cultural dynamics come into play.
Social expectations of holidays and family don’t always match our lived experiences.
Create or Connect Them with Queer-Affirming Holiday Opportunities
Once we acknowledge the challenges of the holidays, we can check in. Ask how we can best support them. This can include creating new holiday plans with them, inviting them to your plans, and/or connecting them with existing community plans. It’s about ensuring they have a safe, affirming place to partake in holidays in whatever way(s) are meaningful for them. For example:
Get your friend group together for a potluck and board game night.
Invite them to join your family’s annual skating event.
Find out if your local Pride organization does any type of holiday event, such as a dinner, a bazaar, a drag show, or movie night. Offer to accompany them if they are interested.
Direct Ways You Can Support at Their Gathering
When you check in, your queer/trans loved one may share that they are interested in partaking in their traditional holiday gathering, but they may have some concerns. This could be due to the expectation of experiencing harmful behaviours from people at the gathering, such as misgendering, deadnaming, microaggressions, or outright abusive behaviour. It is critical that you offer direct support. This can look like:
Attending with them and calling out problematic behaviour. Uncle goes on a transphobic rant? Challenge the misinformation, or directly say something like “that’s super transphobic and harmful”.
Distract problematic people to keep them away from your loved one, or stick by your loved one’s side so you can distract them.
If someone asks an invasive or harmful question, change the topic.
Offer to fake an emergency to get them out of things early, or set up a code word or phrase that indicates they need to leave (e.g. “I forgot to feed the cat!”).
Help them set boundaries with people who have been/may be problematic. They can practice ahead of time with you, and you can go with them to support their boundary setting.
Do something fun with them afterwards to help them decompress!
Encouraging Self-Care Practices
This final section is more geared towards my queer and trans family, though it is also applicable to everyone! It is critical for us to always practice self-care, but this is even more true during the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Here are a few ways that we can practice self-care, while encouraging our loved ones to do the same.
Finding/Creating Queer and Trans Safe Spaces
It is super important for us as queer and trans people to feel connected to our community, which can be both in person and online! Our queer and trans spaces provide a vital space of affirmation, solidarity, and community. There are many different ways we can connect with and build queer and trans community spaces:
If you already have queer and trans friends, set up a regular meet-up (could be online or in person) with a specific theme, such as D&D, writers circle, TV/movie streaming party, or just a cafe hang out.
Find online groups like Discord servers, Reddit threads, or Facebook groups that are queer and trans specific. You can also shape your algorithm to prioritize queer and trans people on your socials.
Look into your local Pride organizations to see what types of programs they offer, such as drop-in, games night, peer support groups, and more. Join the one(s) you are interested in, and make an effort to attend as much as possible!
You can join existing spaces and create new ones. Even if it’s just a couple people, it can still be very fun, affirming, and meaningful!
Do Things We/They Enjoy
Everyone enjoys different things! Sports, art, musical instruments, board games, movies, cooking – the list is endless. Find out what things your loved ones like to do, and invite them to do these together. Staying connected with each other and doing the things we love helps to bring us together in stronger communities. Here are some examples of things we can do:
Go to the movies to see the new Wicked For Good movie
Staying in for a crochet night with hot chocolate
Mini golf with a couple of people
A big friend gathering with board games
Visit your local cafe to catch up.
Taking Care of Our Bodies
Our bodies can be many things, and it is important that we take care of our bodies. Not necessarily in the normative and often harmful ways society tells us to do so, but in the ways that make our bodies feel good. This includes things like:
Eating balanced meals, with things from different food groups and the things we love to eat!
Moving our bodies physically, which could be exercise, going for walks, yoga, or a dance party
Getting enough sleep: even if we keep a-typical hours, that’s okay as long as we feel rested!
Staying hydrated
Physical affection, which could be from loved ones, pets, and/or big comfy pillows, stuffed animals, and blankets!
Personal Self-Care Strategies
Self-care looks different for everyone, but here are some of the things that I’ve found really work for me and help me feel refreshed, affirmed, and cared for.
Snuggling and playing with my cat, Natasha
Regularly chatting with friends and family over text, video chat, and in person
A good jam session on the piano
Watching my current favourite TV show, Percy Jackson and the Olympians
Inviting fellow trans folks over for hang outs every month or two, often involving swimming, food, games, and trans fun
Conclusion
Ultimately, the holidays can mean many different things to different people. When work gathering, friend meet-ups, and family celebrations are on the horizon, it’s a good time to check in with your queer and trans loved ones. Together, we can avoid those harmful questions, use inclusive language, offer that direct support, and encourage self-care practices. Each of these are small ways that we can build stronger, affirmative relationships with our queer and trans loved ones, so we can each ‘make the yuletide (and other holidays) gay’.
